Simon Kolz

A weblog by Simon Kolz

The "F-Word"


Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand
and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life
by Kevin B. Burk


I’d like to invite you to consider a powerful concept. This
concept is essential–we must learn how to master it if we
want to experience the levels of joy, happiness, love and
prosperity that are our birthright. Many of us, however,
resist this concept. We use it sparingly, if at all, and
occasionally, we won’t even consider it as an option. In
fact, for many of us, this concept is so emotionally charged
that I hesitate to even name it, because if I call it
anything other than the “f-word” it could put our egos on
high alert.

You see, in many cases, avoiding this concept is the ego’s
front line defense–an effort to protect us from experiencing
pain. The ego believes that if we embraced the “f-word” we
would be defenseless at best, and at worst, we would be
destroyed completely. Of course, it doesn’t help that most
of us have a somewhat ego- and fear-based understanding of
the “f-word” that makes it less than appealing. The truth is
that embracing the “f-word” is the secret to experiencing
genuine freedom in our lives.

So, what is the “f-word”? Forgiveness.

In order to improve our lives, our relationships, and our
reality, we must learn and practice forgiveness. We must
forgive freely, liberally, and often. We must forgive
everything and everyone–especially the people we are the
most reluctant to forgive. But let’s take a few moments to
consider the true nature of forgiveness.

Guy Williams, a friend of mine who also happens to be a
minister of Religious Science, suggested this take on the
nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness simply means to give as
before. When we are angry with someone, when we harbor
resentment towards someone, we have stopped giving to him or
her. We no longer give that person our love or our
compassion. They have betrayed us and caused us pain. And we
know what happens anytime we have a painful experience,
right? Our egos immediately create a new frame and a new
belief in an effort to protect us from experiencing that
pain again in the future.

Our egos are reluctant to accept the truth that sometimes
unpleasant and painful experiences are unavoidable. Our egos
need to believe that they can protect us. Our egos need a
scapegoat–something (or someone) concrete that can be
identified, isolated and avoided. Holding onto our anger and
resentment keeps us separate from the person or persons who
betrayed us. This, in turn, reinforces the illusion that we
are separate from those individuals, and distances us from
the truth that there is no separation: We are all aspects of
All That Is. The less we remember the truth of who we are,
the more our essential spiritual and life lessons seem to
present challenges rather than opportunities. Everyone
always does the best they can at any given time, and that’s
all we can ever expect.

It’s worth noting that when we choose to hold a grudge and
to remain angry, we carry the pain of the betrayal with us.
We experience a small amount of pain each time we think of
it. The ego actually wants us to experience this pain,
because the little pain will serve to remind us how
important it is to avoid the big pain. And the only way to
avoid the big pain is to protect ourselves from close,
supportive relationships with those who have hurt or
betrayed us.

Frequently, the person that we most need to forgive is our
self. We betray ourselves each time we listen to the ego and
forget the truth of who we are. And the more we betray
ourselves, the more our egos try to protect us (from
ourselves, yet!) by strengthening the illusion of separation
from the Source. And of course, the more we believe the
illusion of separation, the more we betray ourselves, and
experience pain. The way to break out of this vicious circle
is to forgive ourselves–to “give as before.” We must learn
to express unconditional love and compassion for ourselves.
As we experience this love and compassion, we will reconnect
with our true selves. And the more we’re able to forgive
ourselves, the more we’re able to forgive others.


Kevin B. Burk is the author of The Relationship Handbook:
How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your
Visit for a FREE
report on creating AMAZING Relationships.


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